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Real Koinonia Friendships by Dr. Kluane Spake

Real Koinonia Friendships by Dr. Kluane Spake
By Kluane Spake

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“No! I won’t do it!” I insisted while sitting out the outside steps pouting. I still remember how mad I was at her.

My mom told me I had to go outside and play. “All little kids play outside. You’re four years old now and you have to learn to play outside.”

I tried to sneak into my room to play and all of a sudden she grabbed me up and sat me on the steps outside the front door. Then, she shut the door and locked it!

Well… here I sat for a long time reciting, “No, I won’t do it.”

After a while the neighbor boy came over. He told me his name was Joey and asked if I wanted to play? Begrudgingly, I followed him to the play yard next door. We sat on the swing for a while and then went to the little sandbox area.

Joey was funny and made me laugh. Then, he said, “Close your eyes and open your mouth! I have a surprise for you.”

Ohhhhhh! That sounded exciting. So, I closed my eyes and opened my mouth. Joey then stuffed a big handful of dirt in my mouth and ran away laughing.

I ran home totally disillusioned – mud dripping down my face and onto my newest shirt. I banged on the door and screamed. Distressed, my mom let me back in the house and she never made me go outside again.

Continue to Hope in Koinonea

I wonder how many Christians have had friends that have disappointed them. Have you longed to find someone who won’t disillusion your hopes? And when they do, is there a forgiveness and an ability to press toward continuing with them?

How many of us go home and resist venturing out into the place of trusting someone again? How many people have you shut the door on and just quit seeing, saying, “That’s it! I won’t be hurt again.”

Truth is, we will get hurt again and again. Still, we have to remain vulnerable and open. God has a plan for us WITH them…

We MUST allow ourselves to continue to hope in Koinonea.

Scripture says that “Greater love (agape, the God kind of love) has no man (or woman, a demonstrative word without defined gender) than this, that he (or she) lay down his (or her) life for his (or her) friends (philos).” (John 15:13)

My friend, do you know this kind of love? The true lasting mutuality of commitment?

Will you STAND as a friend, even through great disappointment? The test will surely come…

And what is the “Lay down his life for his friends?”

Ask yourself, who will YOU die for? No matter what happens between the two of you?

And then ask, WHO will die for you?

I mean, really?

Loving One Another No Matter What

Everyone has a little dirt. That’s the Adamic nature

Does TRUE Godly agape friendship and Koinonea relationship mean that much to you?

Do you understand that loving one another NO MATTER WHAT — IS THE IRREDUCIBLE MINIMUM of the Gospel?

If we don’t learn this — how can we expect to gain greater mysteries? Lasting miracles?

The bottom line is, if we don’t love each other, we DON’T know God (1 Jn. 4:7-8).

Having Love for one another IS THE GOSPEL.

We have no message to preach if we harbor unresolved conflicts and hold ourselves apart — separate and distant.

This is the hour to address our disappointments, get out of our house, and to go back outside – back to those whom we have shut the door upon – back to the SANDBOX of life – and into the hope of God manifesting His GLORY in US (plural).

The Glory won’t happen by ourselves.

Dr. Kluane Spake


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City – based churches and the growing Single Christian population. Part 3 by Jacqueline Erasmus

City – based churches and the increasing growing Single Christian population. Part 3 by Jacqueline Erasmus

Please note that this is the third consecutive blog article on the subject of Singleness. In order to obtain a more comprehensive view on the perspectives that I have provided so far on this subject, please read my two previous blog articles…..”Why Single Christians Struggle” Part 1 and “Do Pastors and Leaders have a role to play in the lives of Single Christians” Part 2. It is my sincere hope and prayer that you consider the perspectives that I share and hopefully these articles enriches your own journey and your walk with the Triune God – the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.

 City based churches:

I think it is important to notice that city – based churches contain more single people than for example churches that are based in the country side and churches that are based in suburban areas.  I have spoken to a lot of people across the world and this fact seems to apply to many different countries. If you make a close observation, one notices that there are an almost equal amount of single people and married people in city-based churches. The reasons for this almost equal number of single people and married people in city-based churches are numerous…  Cities seem to contain more single people and therefore it is no surprise that city-based churches contain a lot more single people.

I want to state my observations in order to once again develop a balanced view of why I personally think it is necessary that Pastors and Leaders address single Christians in their church congregations. I think it is vital that Pastors and Church Leaders know the composition of their church congregations.

I personally believe that there is a greater urgency and need amongst the Pastors of city-based churches across the world to address single people purely because of the current struggles and pitfalls that single Christians face in today’s world.

A failure to address single people in especially city-based churches has a lot of detrimental results for us, the Body of Christ.  A lack of teaching and affirmation of single Christians in the Body of Christ has partially contributed to the fact that many single Christians have turned marriage into an idol.

Marriage can become an idol:

 For the purpose of our discussion, let me provide a dictionary definition for the word idol:

 “a representation or symbol of an object of worship; broadly : a false god “

As I have mentioned before….marriage is not the solution or the answer for a poor self-image, a lack of security or a lack of significance (please see in my initial blog article – Why Christian Singles struggle Part 1). Yet, a lot of single Christians are completely convinced that marriage is the answer to their problems. Some single Christians may not realise that this is in reality how they feel, but if they truly take time to ask themselves a few honest questions, many single Christians will realise that they view marriage as the potential key to their happiness.

I am not suggesting that if you are single and you want to get married that you are insecure and have a poor self-image. I am single and I can honestly say that I do not have a poor self-image. If you think I think very highly of myself, rest assure that I certainly do think highly of myself because I am after all made in the image of God. I am made in the image of God and so are you! So let us all rejoice and say “Amen” to a good and healthy self-image.

I have a desire to be married but I am confident and secure in who I am because I see myself as a whole person.  I do not see myself as a “half “who has to meet my “other half” (i.e. my future husband) in order to feel “whole”.  Marriage should be about two whole people getting together in marriage. Some people are in denial about their personal hurts and wounds and use marriage as a remedy for their wounds and hurts. I want to suggest to you today to consider whether you regard marriage as a remedy for the deep longings in your soul and spirit which only God can satisfy?

Marriage can easily become an idol in the lives of single Christians. Many single Christians become so desperate to get married that their lives become consumed with finding a spouse. The result is that many become so obsessed and consumed in their search of a husband or a wife that they even become oblivious to the fact that they live in a state of perpetual low-level depression. These single people feel constantly depressed because they are not married and sometimes their low-level depression results in  periodic flare ups which we casually refer to as a “single crises”.  Perhaps you may think that my reference to low-level depression is a bit exaggerated, but let me assure you that I have discovered that this is unfortunately the state of many Single Christians. A lot of people are in reality depressed because they are not married. I do not believe depression is the portion of any Christian.

 Marriage amongst Christians:

It is a fact that there is not a huge difference between the divorce rates amongst Christians and non-Christians. I am not convinced that the figures are exactly 50 / 50, but we regularly hear about reports of marriage break-ups amongst Christians and even Christians who have public ministries.

Put it this way….the divorce rate amongst Christians is not exactly a low statistic.

I believe the devil does attack marriages. It is indeed true. The devil does not want to see anointed marriages to succeed because the devil knows that these types of marriages are powerful. When the lions and the lionesses in God’s Kingdom pair up through the union of marriage the devil quivers. It is a fact.

We have to however ask the question today whether all marriage break –ups are solely the result of demonic attacks?

There are lots of reasons why Christians get divorced. Some of the reasons are connected to hidden sin and unresolved issues. Some people just allow their careers to become everything and their marriages slip away because they never see each other. The reasons why marriages break up are endless. I will certainly not try to list all the reasons why people get divorced.

I want to propose another reason why I believe marriages break up amongst Christians and this reason   directly relates to the current state of some single Christians in the Body of Christ.

I think a lot of single Christians rush into marriage because they think marriage will provide them with the security, significance and self-worth that they so desperately seek. Once people are married, they realise that marriage is not the answer to their deep longings for significance, security and self-worth. So, for many who longed for marriage and finally get married, marriage often turns out to be rather disappointing. Why? The answer is simple….people eventually realise that their spouse cannot satisfy  their deep longings for significance, security and self-worth. Only God can satisfy and only God can heal the human soul.

I want to reiterate again at this point that I do love marriage and I believe in marriage. God created marriage and it is a gift that needs to be treasured. (Please see: Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 5:25, Mark 10:9, Hebrews 13:4)

I want to illustrate what I mean by telling you a real-life story. I have two very precious friends who got married at the age of 21. They are still married today and they also have children. I love my friends and I am really proud of the fact that they have remained committed to each other and God through the many trials and the tribulations that they have had to face in their marriage.

I remember the day when these friends of mine were very honest with me and I was quite surprised by both their honesty and vulnerability. They both said to me that they now realise that they got married too young even though they do love each other. They went on to say to me that if they could do it again, they would have waited a bit longer before they tied the knot. The same female friend of mine later said to me that she had to “find” herself whilst she was married to someone who was also trying to “find” himself. My friends are both committed Christians and they did not get divorced. They however realised that they got married to each other when both of them have not yet resolved issues around their own God-given identities. To put it another way…my friends realised that the individual hurts and wounds that they brought into their marriage, made their marriage extremely difficult.

My friends were brave enough to own up to the consequences of their decision to get married but they also realised that their issues around their own individual identities did not disappear because they were married. They had to not only work at their marriage…they also had to deal with their deep-seated individual hurts from the past.

I am telling this story because I sometimes think single Christians need to hear stories like these in order to have a reality check as it relates to marriage. Make sure  that you do not regard marriage as a remedy for your own internal problems which are rooted in your deep longings for significance, security and self-worth. These deep longings can only be met through a relationship with Jesus Christ and through embarking on a healing journey with God.

I believe that single and anointed Christians have a better chance to build on marriages that will be formidable and anointed. These types of marriages cause the demons to tremble and is a source of blessing for many in the Kingdom of God.

Am I proposing that single Christians become PERFECT before they consider marriage. There is no such thing as being PERFECT for marriage. I, however want to suggest that single Christians across the globe become more honest with themselves as it relates to their reasons for wanting to be married. I want to encourage a “deeper look” amongst single Christians.

Marriage is a blessing and a gift from God. Just make sure you don’t use marriage as a plaster or a type of medication to cure your soul.

Acts 17:28

Amplified Bible (AMP)

28 For in Him we live and move and have our being

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Do Pastors and Leaders have a role to play in the lives of Single Christians? Part 2 by Jacqueline Erasmus

Do Pastors and Leaders have a role to play in the lives of Single Christians? Part 2 by Jacqueline Erasmus

If you talk to a lot of Christian singles today, you will find that a lot of singles feel “out of place” in their local church communities. The Singles who report that they “feel out of place” are usually also those who are quite active in their churches and are usually those who are really passionate about their faith.  These singles serve in various capacities in the church but for some reason some single people don’t  feel like valued members of their church communities. Some singles report that they “don’t quite fit in” at church. I think the time has come that we, as the Body of Christ, need to ask why Christian singles feel the way they do and why it is vital that Pastors and Leaders need to become aware of how they can best minister to  single Christians so that they can flourish.  Once again….for those Pastors and Leaders who are aware of the struggles of single people and who seek to provide a biblical perspective on singleness, I commend you and I say “well done”. I am however aware that a lot of Pastors and Church  Leaders are not aware of the often silent struggles of single people in their congregations. There are many reasons why singles do not feel  comfortable to share their struggles with Church Leaders  but this is another topic for another day.

The role and responsibilities of Pastors:

Pastors have a responsibility towards their flock and the Word of God is very clear about what the Lord wants from his Shepherds. Look at what Peter, the Apostle said to Pastors:

1 Peter 5:1-3

Amplified Bible (AMP)
5 I warn and counsel the elders among you (the pastors and spiritual guides of the church) as a fellow elder and as an eyewitness [called to testify] of the sufferings of Christ, as well as a sharer in the glory (the honour and splendour) that is to be revealed (disclosed, unfolded):
2 Tend (nurture, guard, guide, and fold) the flock of God that is [your responsibility], not by coercion or constraint, but willingly; not dishonorably motivated by the advantages and profits [belonging to the office], but eagerly and cheerfully;
3 Not domineering [as arrogant, dictatorial, and overbearing persons] over those in your charge, but being examples (patterns and models of Christian living) to the flock (the congregation).

Being a Pastor is not an easy job for sure! I am however glad that God gives grace and power to those whom He has called to the prominent place of guiding and feeding His flock. Pastors usually select and appoint people to assist them to tend, guide and feed the flock.  (Please see Acts 6:2-4 ) God knows that Pastors need assistance)

Also note that the same words that Peter uses to encourage Leaders and Pastors are very similar to the  words used by Jesus  when He addressed  the Apostle  Peter in relation to his call and commission:

John 21: 15 – 17:
15 When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”
“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
16 Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”
17 The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”
It is my sincere hope and prayer that Pastors across the world become more  aware of the struggles that single people face. I believe that a greater awareness of the present struggles of single people will enable Pastors to help release single Christians into their callings. There are presently too many Christian Singles who are trapped because they have chosen to believe the lies of the enemy and sadly these anointed single Christians are living far below their God-given potential.
It is my hope and prayer that the insight and knowledge that I will share over the next couple of weeks  will enable Pastors to reach out to the unmarried people in their congregation. I pray that these insights will enable Pastors to guide, feed and nurture the single people in their flock.

Today I want to explore one of the reasons why singles feel “out of place” in their church communities. I think this is a worthwhile subject to discuss and explore. As I have mentioned in my previous blog article (Why Christian Singles Struggle?) ….the Body of Christ consists of married people and single people and it is vital that Pastors pastor, teach and guide  both married people and single people in an effective manner.

The failure to provide a biblical perspective on singleness:

I am for marriage and I believe in marriage. I however don’t think that Pastors often   preach and teach on singleness from the pulpit. Those Pastors who do are definitely in the minority. It is important to note that throughout the Bible it is evident that the Lord called and anointed single and married people to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ. If we look at modern-day church congregations, we notice that there is a strong focus on marriages and family life. When do we ever hear a message about the struggles and pitfalls that single people face from the pulpit? When do we ever hear a biblical perspective on singleness? If Pastors preach about marriage and provide a biblical perspective on marriage, then Pastors should also endeavour to provide a biblical perspective on singleness. Pastors teach and guide on various subjects such as : finances, spiritual gifts, the fruit of the spirit, sex, marriage, addictions, sexual promiscuity  etc. If Pastors teach on various kinds of subjects then they should not shy away from the subject of singleness.

I once shared some of my insights as it relates to single people’s struggles in the Body of Christ with a Christian Leader. The Leader completely agreed with me but when it came to actually addressing the singles people, the Leader did not want to act because this Leader thought that a message addressing single people in the church would cause single people to be uncomfortable? I was quite perplexed by this view, because I did not understand how providing a biblical perspective on singleness could cause discomfort to single people. In fact, I think a biblical perspective on singleness will set single people free!

I am not completely unsympathetic towards this particular leader’s perspective. It was clear to me that this particular leader did not feel comfortable because the Leader did not feel equipped to teach on this particular subject. This leader has been married for many years and clearly could not relate to single people. I can understand this Leader’s apparent lack of substantial knowledge as it relates to the subject of singleness  but I have to be very bold today and say this:

Pastors and Church  Leaders need to be careful not to pastor and lead from their own comfort zones. If Pastors and Leaders only lead and pastor those groups in their church with whom they can relate and with whom they feel comfortable with, they are in fact neglecting the rest of their flock. I am not proposing that single people require special attention but single people need guidance and teaching specifically as it relates to living as a single Christian in today’s world. Married people need to hear messages that specifically addresses marriage and what a Godly marriage ought to reflect. In a likewise manner, single Christians need to be guided and taught what singleness looks like from God’s perspective.

I want to propose that we need to seek and dig deep in the Word of God to construct a biblical perspective on various subjects and we need to make it our aim to teach and preach on all subjects which concerns  people’s lives.

I believe that as Pastors and Leaders endeavour to teach a biblical perspective on singleness and as they seek to understand the struggles and pitfalls of modern-day single Christians, they will see an incredible transformation within their congregations. This transformation will not only  affect communities but nations!

An encouragement to Single Christians:

If you find yourself in a situation where you are struggling with being single (i.e. unmarried), please seek out sound biblical teaching on this subject. If you feel confident enough, ask your Pastor to help you seek out a biblical perspective on singleness.

You may be single for a season, but whilst you are single, please know that God wants to use you and He wants you to know that you can be single and anointed. Do not allow the enemy to make you feel that you are “odd” because you are single. I want to go so far to say this to you my single brother and sister….. Do not allow the perspectives of very sincere Christians to  make you feel “odd”. You are important to God and God wants to use you in a mighty way in His Kingdom!
One only has to look at the life of the Apostle Paul to know that God calls and uses single people in His Kingdom. The Apostle Paul is one example of a single and anointed man who was used by God  in a POWERFUL way. Today we continue to read the letters of Paul and we get inspiration from the life and teachings  of the Apostle Paul.

So why do single Christians feel that in order to used by God they have to be married? In order to address this question, we will have to have a closer look at modern-day church culture.

I will address this very subject in my next blog article.

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Why do Single Christians struggle? Part 1 by Jacqueline Erasmus

Why do Single Christians struggle? Part 1 by Jacqueline Erasmus

Matthew 6:33 (Weymouth New Testament):
“But make His Kingdom and righteousness your chief aim, and then these things shall all be given you in addition”

A lot has been written  on the subject of being an unmarried Christian. There  are many Christian authors and ministers of the Gospel  who have written books  on the subject of singleness  . I have found some of these books very insightful and some of  these books less insightful or shall I say less helpful. The reason for my years of  confusion had largely to do with the fact that many of the Christian authors in question  contradict each other in terms of the guidance and advice that they provide in their books  to  single Christians.  The one author advocates that one should not date and the other author tells us we should date. The one minister / author  tells us to trust God and another one  tells us to be proactive in terms of finding a husband or wife. I felt so compelled to act  after reading one author’s  advise  that I signed up to a Christian Dating Website.  I took my newly discovered advice very seriously. Well, what can I say….It was an interesting experience…huh.

I have gained a lot from reading these books on singleness  but it did leave me once upon a time with more questions than answers.(I did gain very wonderful insights from a lot of the books that I’ve read)  I was however  confused by all the different perspectives given in all of these books  but most of all I was finally  fed up! I was basically sick and tired of feeling like I “should be married”! I was not even sure any more why I was so desperate to be married. I was not experiencing a “single crises” ….I was experiencing a volcanic eruption of emotions which erupted over a length of four months! I am very grateful to God that He helped me in the end! He however did more than helping me. God helped me to understand the many  reasons for my confusion and He also helped me to understand the lack of guidance and teaching that single Christians receive in their local churches on the subject of singleness. The only time it seems that single Christians get addressed in their local churches is when they are encouraged to live a holy life by abstaining from pre-marital sex and all other sexual perversions. The other occasions when single Christians get ministered to is when people pray for them for God to provide them with a suitable husband or wife. These are all good things and I think it is vital that single Christians are encouraged to live holy lives and for singles  to receive prayer for  marriage. Marriage is a wonderful gift from God and it is worth spending time in prayer if you desire to be married.

I want to however touch on a few things today and unfortunately I do not have the space to touch on everything that relates to the topic of being a single Christian. Perhaps I will touch on the this subject again in  the next couple of weeks.

There is this lie that the devil uses against single  Christians today and the lie is that in order to be content and happy one has to be married. Marriage will somehow end your loneliness and if you listen carefully to some single people you will hear that they honestly believe that marriage is going to provide them with a deep sense of significance, security and self-worth. This is of course not true and anything that is not the truth is a lie. As Christians we need to eradicate the lies in  our lives especially those lies which directly contradicts the message of Jesus Christ. Marriage will not provide you with a deep sense of significance, security and self-worth. Our deep longings for significance, security and self-worth can only be found through an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ and having authentic and life-giving relationships with fellow believers. I am not  excluding our relationships here with non-Christians but I am addressing single Christians today so I want to keep this discussion in the context of the Kingdom of God. A lot of married people continue to struggle with feelings of insignificance, inferiority and insecurity even though they thought that marriage will finally answer their deep longings for significance, security and self-worth. So,  the satisfaction of the  deep longings and thirsts  of our soul and spirit is clearly  not marriage.

I also believe that one of the other reasons why Christian singles struggle in the Body of Christ today is because single Christians hardly ever hear sermons or a biblical perspective on the topic of singleness in their local churches. There are of course Pastors  who are addressing Christian single people and who are seeking to minister to those single people in their congregations who are perhaps insecure about being single. These type of congregations where Pastors and leadership seek to address single people  are however in the minority. For some reason local churches do not deem it necessary to address single Christians and this lack of biblical teaching and guidance sadly perpetuates the confusion of single Christians in the Body of Christ. I was very saddened by a comment from a very dynamic single Christian a few months ago. I was conducting an interview with him and I casually asked him whether he feels that single Christians receive  proper guidance and teaching  in his church as it relates to living life as a single Christian. I was a bit surprised that he was surprised by my question because he looked slightly stunned. His reply was however very insightful and thought-provoking. This man looked and me and said: “No, I don’t think my church addresses single people at all. It is somehow expected that we just need to get on with it.” I think what I found interesting is the fact that this man has come to the conclusion that perhaps it is not necessary for his  local church to teach on the topic of singleness.

I find this reflective comment from this man very insightful and yet very sad. The church invests a lot of time addressing married people  and so they should. I love marriage and as I have mentioned already….marriage is a wonderful gift from God. I have married friends and I have single friends and they are both very dear to me. I however do not envy my married friends because I have come to realise that God has a plan for my life whether I am single or married. I have every intention to live for the Glory of God and to advance the Kingdom of God whether I am single or married. Now before you think I am called to celibacy for the rest of my life and that it must be easy for me to write on this very topic, let me give you some reassurance :  I am  not called to live as a single person for the rest of my life and I think very few people are. I have asked God on many occasions to take away my sexual feelings and the fact that He has not answered my prayer  , indicates to me that I do not have that special call or grace upon my life to be single whilst I live this side of eternity. Like many single Christians today, I have to ask God to help me with my sexual feelings.( Perhaps I can discuss the topic of singleness and sexuality in another blog article.)

I  however  believe that whilst you are single , it is important to make a quality decision to live a full and fulfilling life in God and to invest your time to get to know yourself and to invest your time in building authentic and real relationships with other people. I think single people need to learn to trust God for a husband or wife WHILST they focus on God and His Kingdom. Many single Christians today sit in a Waiting Room and cry out to God for a husband or wife and that is all they do. Do not do that. I encourage you to live your life whilst trusting God for your future wife or husband. The Lord hears the prayers of his children and he understands our desire for marriage. Remember there is a difference between faith and fear. There is a difference between confident trust in God and unbelief. Do you believe that you will get married? Do you really believe that God is faithful? Then stop complaining about being single. Live for God and have faith in Him.

Am I unsympathetic towards your desire to be married? No, I am not.  Am I too harsh in terms of my encouragement to you to stop your murmering and complaining? I do not seek to be harsh my fellow Christian single brother and sister. I however want to shake you up and wake you up from your state of dissatisfaction and complaining! Do you want to look back at your life and conclude that you have spent most of your life complaining and murmuring secretly because you were single for an X amount of time. You only have one opportunity to represent Christ here on the earth. Represent God well and focus on Him. Live with no regrets. Seek to be faithful to God and seek to be faithful to the call of God on your life.

I encourage you to continue to pray to God for your future spouse. I want to encourage you today that while you are praying about your future husband or wife, please live a full and dynamic life. Stop thinking that there is something wrong with you because you are single!

An encouragement to Pastors and Leaders:

I honestly believe that Pastors in local churches across the globe need to awaken to the fact that they have married and single people in their congregations. I think it is time that Pastors move outside of their comfort zones and start to awaken to the fact that they have anointed single people in their congregations who are trapped  because they have come to believe the lies of the enemy. Some Christian singles are so ensnared that they are not living out their full potential in Christ. Some are so confused that they have turned to the world to seek answers to their problems. It is time that Pastors and Leaders in local churches across the globe step up and starts to guide and feed  the single people in their congregations  the Truth. The devil attacks married people and marriages. The devil also attacks single people. If we preach and teach on marriage and seek to help and assist married people, we need to do the same with single people in our local church congregations.

The Body of Christ consists after all  of married people and single people.

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8 Types of Single Woman by Junior De Souza

Just as single men can be quite the slippery surface, single women can be too. This article describes eight types. The following tendencies need to be discerned early in friendship, before attachments or entrapments develop.

(NOTE: I will use the term pairbonding at times throughout this writing. I understand there is an evolutionary psychology use of the term, but I am NOT in any way using the term in that context. I am using the term in its generic and basic sense, simply to mean “the romantic process between two people”.)

(1) The Mother Hen

Controlling Women

The mothering instinct is a controlling, micromanagerial instinct. In the right context (raising children) this instinct is good. However, when there are no children to raise, or when emotional wounds are festering, some women misapply these energies toward a man. When they do, they become Mother Hens.

Dominant Traits 

This type asserts her will in the man’s personal matters, matters that do not concern her or their friendship or their romance. Or, by assuming ownership of certain matters the man himself should handle or administrate.

Pairbonding Pattern 

This type is predictable. She is almost always surrounded by passive men, while shying away from strong, assured men. Jezebel and Ahab had this relationship exactly.

To Men 

If you are still battling to overcome docility or manchildness or mama’s boyness, realize the temptation to drift into a Mother Hen’s orbit. The pull will be strong, and, she will drift into your orbit herself.

You must resist pairbonding with her on this basis. If you do, you are establishing an imbalanced script that could take years of chaos and pain to rebalance, if at all. Your safest course is to flesh out your masculinity a bit more before pairbonding with anyone, especially a Hen.

To Women 

Keep your mothering instinct in the only container it was designed for—raising children. If emotional wounds are exacerbating and miscontextualizing this instinct, they need to be sanctified. “Mothering” is one of the greatest complaints and bitter jokes I hear from men about their female friends, girlfriends, or wives.

(2) The Manizer

Egomaniacal Women

Like the womanizer, the “manizer” is an egomaniac, not a sex or romance or money addict. These are just side-benefits. Manizers have a monstrous craving for attention and validation. Every man they successfully subdue—sexually, emotionally, or financially—simply feeds that monster. When they experience “dry periods”, they spiral into a black hole of self-hatred and turn to other escapes.

Believe it or not, many manizers are Christian women. Some are simply babies in Christ. Some are spiritually older, yet still struggling to overcome the monster. And some are in a backslidden, prodigal state.

Dominant Traits 

These types are very attractive and seductive. If her level of egomania is sky high, she will be initiatory and predatory (like Potiphar’s wife, Gen 39:7-12; see also Pro 7:10-15). If it is moderate, or moderated by insecurities or social restraints, she will simply position herself strategically to be approached by her desired man/men (like Bathsheba, 2Sam 11:2-4).

Basic masculinity is overwhelmed by these types. In fact, Solomon said this brand of woman is not overcome or resisted, she is escaped (Ecc 7:26, Gen 39:12).

Pairbonding Pattern 

The manizer gravitates to high status males. Sometimes, also to men who are married or taken or socially off-limits. To her monstrous need for validation, these conquests supply the greatest highs.

To Men 

The manizer betrays herself easily: deny her what she wants and she will react with anger or quickly discard you. Refuse to be seduced, refuse to cough up money and gifts too soon, refuse to be emotionally weak with her…how does she react? If she is not a manizer at heart, she will, at the very least, respect your discretion, and possibly be interested in you even more. She may just need an honorable man to set the tone and lead you both on paths of righteousness. However, if she is still a manizer at heart, she will not take your discretion well.

To Women 

Remember, the actual root of manizing is self-hatred and egomania. The first place you will have to go, then, is your self-image, and where it became so frayed. The second place is your egomania. You must be dethroned and cast down as the Attention Center of your life and men, and the Lord Jesus must replace you.

(3) The Man Hoarder

 Insurance Policy Women

She was super-friendly, spiritual, and gorgeous. I met her when she came to my city as a promotional model. We went out on a date and had an incredible time. I was very interested.

As I fasted and prayed about her in the following days, the Holy Spirit prompted me to do some unusual research. I discovered this woman was a “Man Hoarder”, and I was to become one more man in her emotional insurance policy. She had quite a collection of male “friends”, friends she kept close enough to keep interested, yet far enough to dodge commitment. I let her go and challenged her to grow. As time went on, the Holy Spirit continued to illumine the phenomenon of manhoarding.

Dominant Traits 

This type is warm and inviting, happily accepting any male attention. She will usually give her number, call, text, and email faithfully. She will hang out joyfully and even confide in him. Sounds innocent right?

Here’s the hook: she will titillate. She will say/do things that indicate romantic interest and chemistry. Then, when the man moves for commitment and exclusivity, she plays ignorant and innocent. And she is doing this same dance with several other men simultaneously.

Pairbonding Pattern 

When they do pairbond with one man, it is usually a womanizer of some degree. Only he possesses strong enough virility to flip the script on her and induce emotional or sexual surrender.

To Men 

Manhoarders are perhaps the most mind-bending class of women. Protect your mind! You are not one of many. You are not to be teased. You are not a toy. You are no one’s emotional insurance or just-in-case. Yes, you might be a change agent in her life, but you need to know this with certainty from the Holy Spirit as early as possible.

To Women 

It is a sin to collect men as insurance policies or just-in-case-I-get-lonely. Jezebel hoarded over eight hundred men in her collection (1Ki 18:19)! The Lord sees why you keep men around. If it is truly for friendship only, then do not titillate, do not touch, do not say, and do not do anything that could indicate romantic possibilities. Act like his sister.

(4) The Spiritual Sluggard

Godly, but Lazy, Women

Sluggard means “lazy person” (Pr 6:6-9, 20:4, 21:25, 26:13-16). Spiritual sluggards are just that, spiritual but lazy. They love God, know His Word, are faithful at church, often involved in ministry, and so on. However, they are remarkably unmotivated when it comes to their physical health, weight, appearance, and emotions (all of which are related). Some will blame everything but their own character for this: bad genes, hormones, too busy, men as shallow, fit women as superficial, spiritualized excuses, and so on.

Solomon said the lazy will always have an excuse for mediocrity, Proverbs 22:13: The sluggard says, “There’s a lion outside! I’ll be killed in the public square!”

Dominant Traits 

This woman places a high value on the spiritual, and rightly so, but an equally strong devaluation and neglect of the physical.

Pairbonding Pattern 

This type pairbonds with men who will not challenge their lifestyle habits. This is not any one particular type of man, simply one who will not challenge her to balance out and maximize every aspect of her being.

To Men 

If she cannot take care of her own body, how can she take care of you? Jesus said we can only love others to the degree we love and care for ourselves (Mk 12:31). What else can she not take care of? Before you overlook physical negligence, understand the wider implications.

On the other hand, I have seen men provide lifechanging inspiration to a female friend, helping her actualize the excellent Esther she really is. Be sure of the Spirit’s path for you early on.

To Women 

I will say quite a bit here simply because this is the most common type of single Christian woman I encounter. They were in my churches when I pastored, in my counseling office as a counselor, and in my ministry engagements as I travel.

Health and weight problems usually reflect deeper emotional and character concerns. Jesus asked, if you cannot be faithful will little—your own body, God’s temple—how can you be faithful with greater stewardships (Lk 16:10), like a great husband? You can only love and care for a man to the degree you love and care for yourself (Mk 12:31).

Rigorously address emotional wounds and self-image problems. Talk to your pastor or Christian counselor or other trusted spiritual leader. Little by little, with the Holy Spirit, cultivate the fruits of self-control and moderation in your eating habits. Exercise or get active several times a week. Paul said God is sanctifying your physical body with equal commitment as your spirit and soul (1Th 5:23).

Males & The Female Physique 

One of the most common lies believed among single Christian women is this: When God sends my husband, he will love me just the way I am.

If this were the case exactly, then you too must throw out your list of ideal traits for a great husband. He can play video games all day, neglect your emotional needs, dirt poor, hooked on porn, severely obese, smelly, wears the same underwear for several days, in prison without parole, calls mama four times a day, doesn’t own a car…but his future wife will love him just the way he is, right?

Scripture never suggests this line of logic. God loves us just the way we are, for sure, but even He requires us to change upon knowing Him (1Pet 2:1-3,1Th 5:23,24). Plus, you’re not marrying God or sharing a bed with Him.

In Genesis 2:23, when the Creator finished Eve and presented her to Adam, his instant remark was concerning her physical body: “This is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh”.

Notice he did NOT say “Alas, my helpmate!” or “This is my spiritual partner.” or “Great! I have a best friend now.” No, Adam commented on her physical body. And remember, Adam was morally perfect when he said this.

This tells us something very fundamental about males: their dominant reaction to women is visual, physical, and sexual. There are many other scriptures to browse concerning this (Gen 12:11-15, 34:2, 38:15,16, Jud 14:1,2, 16:1, 2Sam 11:2-4, Job 31:1, Est 2:1-17, SS, Ru 3:3,4).

Looking for a husband-king Xerxes? Remember Esther’s beauty preparations (Es 2:1-17). Looking for a Boaz? Remember Naomi’s beauty advice (Ru 3:3). Exercise, eat clean, get enough sleep, and dress attractively (all Christians should do this anyway). Observe the most desirable femmes and adapt their beauty nuances to suit your personality. Need a total makeover and entirely new look? Try it. Whatever you do, resist spiritualized, Christianized excuses to stay mediocre, unhealthy, and unappealing.

(5) The Free Spirit

Independent Women

In many cases, the independent woman is a high-value prospect. Not prone to co-dependence or golddigging for money, many males seek this type out. The thorn on this rose, however, is her struggle to sacrifice some of her independence to merge with a partner. To the free spirit, losing some of her freedom is like losing a limb.

Dominant Traits 

This type is confident, active, driven, and financially independent. In a good way, she epitomizes the contemporary woman who is free from the oppressions and labels of gender inequality.

Pairbonding Pattern 

This type does not pairbond easily. She is choosy and jealous of her independence. When she does pairbond, though, it is usually with one of three types: a docile man who will not make excessive demands, a charming and romantic man who floods her emotions and curtails her independent streak, or a womanizer of some degree that hooks her libido.

To Men 

Realize from the getgo that independent women are jealous of their independence. However, if she is a quality sister in Christ, do not let this intimidate you. If you are truly interested, then advance with prayer and fasting. Follow the Holy Spirit patiently, not your testosterone spikes.

Also, never try to “tame” or control the free spirit. This is the quickest way to repel her. Simply be a person and life she would enjoy merging with, and if she is interested, she will make the adjustments in her own way and time.

To Women 

Your selectivity and freedom is excellent. I give only these two pieces of counsel. First, be sure your independence is true independence, not escapism or fear of vulnerability or fear of commitment or fear of losing adventure. Second, there are secure brothers out there who will not try to tame you. Stay open and third-eyed for them. Do not keep your firewall so high that you repel them before they can reveal themselves.

(6) G.I. Jane

Belligerent Women

“G.I. Jane” is belligerent and prickly. Quick to bite and quick to fight, she harbors unresolved disappointments and animosities toward men. In extreme instances, and though she might never say so, males are merely necessary means to personal ends. For a disturbing and melodramatic illustration of these types, rent the movie The Wicker Man (2006), starring Nicholas Cage.

Dominant Traits 

This type is easily offended by and hypersensitive to men. Driving her from within is a compulsion to confront, challenge, compete with, condescend, or conquer males. Romantically, she shoots down low-value suitors like cardboard targets. This type is easy to spot because she is constantly conflicting with some male, somewhere, for some reason.

Pairbonding Pattern 

Like the Mother Hen, this type also gravitates to weaker men. Alpha males and womanizers usually do not tolerate her.

To Men 

Docile men, beware. Her attention might feel validating at first, but in the end she is a razor-sharp, two-edged sword. And, if you disappoint her, she will discard you as quickly as she discovered you. Become strong and complete in your maleness, and safeguard your vulnerability around these types.

To Women 

If this is you, you need deep healing and purification. Analyze with the Spirit when male-related pain first appeared in your heart. Analyze how this evolved into a hyperfeminist coping strategy. Then, with heartfelt repentance and maybe some biblical counseling, reconstruct your attitude and behavior towards men. A sign of your healing is an increase in honor and peace toward men, especially those that resemble your original disappointment.

(7) Every Man’s Best Friend

Cool Women

She is too cool, superfun to hang out and stay up late with. She is easily one of the guys. She safeguards everyone’s secrets and is always there when needed. These types of sisters are just plain awesome. But my heart breaks for them.

The problem? She has low sex appeal. She is every guy’s best friend—but no one’s romantic interest, or rarely.

Dominant Traits 

Loyalty and coolness describe this woman. She is a true best friend type. However, she does not possess significant romantic-sexual appeal for most men.

Pairbonding Pattern 

Very sadly, this type is often the target of womanizers, especially during his “dry periods”. And because of her seemingly perpetual loneliness, she will accept his advances—and the sure pain to follow.

To Men 

This might be hard to do, but it would help her greatly to have a tenderhearted, honest conversation with her. The cool gal needs to know, from a man’s perspective, why she is every dude’s best friend but never or rarely someone’s romantic passion. As her friend, confidant, and PlayStation co-champion, you can help her better understand how sex appeal is a man’s God-given priority (see #4).

Your friendly advice might be the very thing she needs to optimize her appearance and appeal—first for herself and her Lord, then for her future partner. Proverbs 27:9: …the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.

To Women 

I had an awesome friend once who was this type. From time to time she complained that the only men interested in her were boring and smelly men from other countries who wanted an American concubine (it was absolutely hilarious hearing her say it). As her buddy and Buffalo wings partner, I needed to respond. This is also what I say to you.

I encouraged her to modify her wardrobe, colors, posture and poise, conversational habits, and other things. She was already in great shape physically, so these modifications would go a very long way.

The next time I saw her she was gorgeous. She had unearthed and polished her full feminine glory. She had giddy new stories of romantic interest. I was so happy for her. As a Christ-loving, supercool, and now much more appealing, sister, she will be the multifaceted delight of her husband.

(8) The Mature

High-Value Women

Finally, the mature single woman is the highest value prospect. These are the ladies who are both ready and capable of a fulfilling marriage-minded romance. They are mentally separate from their mothering instinct. They do not need the validations of constant male conquests. They do not keep suitors around for insurance. Their bodies are well-cared for and appealing. They are independent for the right reasons. They perceive men as honored equals, not opponents, tools, or means. They are best friend material.

Dominant Traits 

Song of Songs has a beautiful and powerful scripture describing the ideal wife or wife-prospect. Notice the three underlined portions in Song of Songs 5:1: I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride…[Friends] Eat, friends, and drink; drink your fill of love.

First, Solomon calls his beloved his “sister”. This means she is his spiritual sibling, a Hebrew, one of Yahweh’s children. Likewise, the mature Christian woman is an authentic and advanced sister in Christ.

Secondly, He calls her his “bride”. This highlights the romantic-sexual nature and chemistry of their relationship. Likewise, the mature Christian woman is romantically-sexually appealing to a prospective husband. She is bride quality.

Finally, the couple’s companions call them “friends”. This highlights their friendship and compatibility. Likewise, the mature Christian woman is best friend quality.

God’s Word is always right on!

Pairbonding Pattern 

Women like this are cautious romantically. They gravitate to males who are high-value themselves, or, are progressing diligently towards it. They often remain single and unattached for extended periods of time, unwilling to settle for less than an ideal brother.

To Men 

Women like this are searching for someone on their level. So realize you will have to match or exceed her overall value to be in her thoughts and prayers. You will have to upgrade every area of your life that is romantically relevant. Remember Boaz. He was on Naomi and Ruth’s radar because he was a level-10 in every area that mattered to Ruth.

To Women 

High-value prospects are rare for both genders. The temptation, even for mature women, is to become discouraged and settle for the “inferior but available”. You are too valuable and rare to do this. You are Proverbs 31:10. Continue having wise friendships with decent men, but preserve your feminine ruby only for a level-10 brother who deserves it.

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8 Types of Single Men by Junior De Souza


Keep in mind as you read this, no one is hopelessly doomed. Some men are quite willing to change under the right circumstances. As always, seek the Lord’s counsel earnestly and use common sense before linking up with anyone.

(NOTE: I will use the term pairbonding at times throughout this writing. I understand there is an evolutionary psychology use of the term, but I am NOT in any way using the term in that context. I am using the term in its generic and basic sense, simply to mean “the romantic process between two people”.)


It’s Not Raining Men

In 1982, The Weather Girls recorded their notoriously famous song “It’s Raining Men”. I first heard the song in junior high school, and laughed royally as I envisioned heavy-set Martha Wash as a green-eyed, man-eating monster.

Fifteen years later, the song still amuses me very much, but with a reserved and silent concern. Because really, it’s not raining men. In fact, we are in a drought of good single men. Our churches and support groups are busting seams with single women, divorced women, abandoned women, lonely women, disillusioned women. Even Israel saw seasons of such “man drought” (Ps 12:1, Ecc 7:28).

8 Types of Single Men

As a Christian leader, I am responsible to both my sisters and brothers: to help women remain sure-footed on the slippery surface that is single men, and, help men become the high-value prospects that any sister would love to have. Therefore, in today’s writing I will make appropriate applications to both.

This article describes eight types of single Christian men. The following tendencies need to be discerned early in friendship, before attachments or entrapments develop.

(1)  The Mama’s Boy: Needy Guys

This type of single man is still reaching for his mother, consciously or subconsciously. He has not individuated from her emotionally. Consequently, he elevates every other woman into a mother-figure and sets that on that same pedestal.

Dominant Traits 

Men like this are needy and clingy. They look to their girlfriends and other women around them with childlike longing. He wants to be taken care of; this usually means financially and domestically. These guys usually lack typical masculine interests, assertiveness, and courage.

Pairbonding Pattern 

This type gravitates to strong and domineering women. Likewise, strong and domineering women gravitate to him. He gets his mother fix and she gets her power fix. Ahab and Jezebel had this relationship exactly.

To Women 

Recognize the lure of such types. It can feel empowering, even healing, to care for a grown man in such a way. However, as time always proves, your deeper femininity will ache for a true male, one who is strong and capable of undergirding you. Scripture says a man is to be a strong tree trunk on which his woman can lean securely. Song of Songs 2:3: Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade…

To Men 

We must love and cherish our mothers (Pr 30:17). However, our emotional development has been paused if we are excessively and disproportionately needy of her, and by extension, all women who subconsciously symbolize her. One of the best ways to move past this is by connecting with strong, mature males who will help flesh out that embryonic masculinity.

(2) The Womanizer – Egomaniacal Guys

The womanizer is an egomaniac, not a sex addict. As a pro athlete and man, I have been surrounded by womanizers for most of my adult life. Each one had a monstrous craving for attention and validation, and every sexual success story simply fed that monster. When they experienced “dry periods”, interestingly, they spiraled into a black hole of self-hatred. It had very little to do with orgasms and very much to do with ostentation.

Dominant Traits 

These types are usually outstandingly attractive and fearlessly charming around women. Though this is not wrong in and of itself, it is used as leverage for sinister ends. Men like this exude sexual energy on multiple levels (conversation, dress, body language). As annoying as they might be to some, the deeper female instinct and brain is powerfully drawn to such virility. Google the lyrics to Carrie Underwood’s hit song “Cowboy Casanova”, or Brittney Spears’ song “Womanizer”. Their words describe him in a perfect and humorous way.

Pairbonding Pattern 

This guy hunts three types of women: the lonely, the insecure, and the high libido female. And they hunt him. The lonely, then, enjoys a dreamy companion. The insecure, then, enjoys affirmation as “not so bad”. The high libido female enjoys the same kind of experience he is offering.

To Women 

Most women already know a Casanova, yet many concede (partially or totally) to his charm for the sheer pleasure or escapism of it. Here’s the hook, though: some women do not want the euphoria to end. They try to “reform” him and draw him into a committed relationship. Ninety-nine percent of the time this is energy wasted, and the residual feeling of being used can linger on for years.

 To Men 

The God of heaven and earth will hold each of us accountable to the uttermost for how we use our looks and charm. I have seen Him punish Casanovas right before my eyes, and a dreadful fear of Him shook me to my bones. Remember how God dealt with Solomon. He will not spare you His chastisement either.

Realize the actual root of womanizing—self-hatred and egomania. When your self-image finds wholeness in Jesus Christ, and your egomania obliterated before His glory, the womanizing will start to lose its power source.

(3) The Man-child – Irresponsible Guys

The “Man-child” is a man who lives like a teenager—minimal responsibilities, excesses, slothful, flighty, teenage-style partying. His house either is or looks like a bachelor pad. Pizza is his staple. Jobs change frequently. Half-nude women postered on his walls and screensaver. Video games 24/7.

Dominant Traits 

 Man-childs are simply not ready to grow up, for whatever reason. They are mentally stuck in adolescence, just as Mama’s Boy is stuck in childhood. These types can be very frustrating to women who see promise and potential in them.

Pairbonding Pattern 

This guy gravitates to the cool gal who is fun to hang out with and won’t harass him about his immaturity—at least not right away. However, when she starts to care deeper for him she will either indulge him and become his caretaker/manager, or, go ten rounds of frustration with him and finally let him go.

To Women 

The Man-child is fun. And in a world of stresses, he can be a welcome delight and portal back to high school when things were easy. But stay in tune with reality and what is best for you long-term.

Only the Holy Spirit can fully motivate a man-child to drop the “—child”. Granted, you might be a tool in that inspiration. I have seen that happen. But sometimes it does not. Your exhortations might polarize him even further into his frat boy life. Your safest course is to pray and discern early if this is the best path for you.

To Men 

Men sometimes revert like this after a painful blow to their career or a breakup/divorce. The need here, then, is not maturation but healing. There is nothing wrong with seeking out nonsinful pleasures and lifestyles (Ecc 2:24, 5:18, 1Ti 6:17). However, to avoid dismantling our lives and responsibilities completely, we need to seek full healing when such disappointments happen. Seek it from the Lord (Ps 107:20), from a trusted spiritual leader (Heb 13:7), from Christian friends (Jas 5:16).

Men, in cases where manchildness is simply raw immaturity…grow up!

(4) The Secret Homosexual – Disinterested Guys

Recent years have shown us the detestable tragedy of secret homosexuality in the church. Many of these are non-married Christian men, some with girlfriends and fiancées. Because the church, in general, is not adequately equipped to bring these men freedom, they endure their struggles secretly. Then, after endless seasons of silent torment, many give up and “embrace” their impulses. Though Christ’s entire kingdom suffers when this happens, I believe women suffer the most. For, that man was destined to be the loving husband of some sister waiting patiently for him.

Dominant Traits 

These men are usually marked by their sexual disinterest in women, yet also their profound ability to bond with them socially and emotionally.

Pairbonding Pattern 

These men often select girlfriends or wives with low sex drives, thus concealing their sexual disinterest. One couple I knew had sex only a few times a year. It wasn’t until her friend pointed out the strangeness of this that she began prying, and, discovered his secret sin.

To Women 

God created men with a ravenous sex drive. This does not mean all men desire sex with equal intensity or frequency, but it is baseline masculinity to have persistent reproductive compulsions.

If, during the pairbonding process, there seems to be a sexual blankness to him, you need to consider the possibility of latent homosexual issues. If you discover this to be so, do not become his smokescreen or enabler. Challenge him with heartfelt love to seek freedom from one of the few ministries that deal specifically with this. If and when he does, it is between you and God what you do from there.

To Men        

If this is your struggle, the longer you keep it a secret the more it will metastasize and subdue your total being. You do not have to broadcast it to the world, but seek freedom from one of the few ministries that deal specifically with homosexual bondage. If it is impossible to access their services, the power and truth of the Lord Jesus, His Word, and His people will be sufficient wherever you are (1Co 6:9-11, Jas 5:16). Always remember that.

(5) The Cheapskate – Stingy Guys

The Cheapskate has made money his ultimate security through obsessive non-expenditures. Fueling his miserliness is a root of poverty. Somewhere in his life he contracted the fear of destitution and he obeys this fear daily.

Dominant Traits 

Perhaps the best way to sum up this guy is this: bargain over comfort. Nine out of ten times he will pinch the penny at the expense of quality, convenience, or comfort. This might be a little cute in a quirky way at first, but realize he will sacrifice your comfort just as easily if and when the time comes.

I am not at all denigrating financial prudence. The Bible urges wise and calculated money management (Pr 21:20, Lk 16:11,12). However, discern the distortion. Discern a poverty root, fear of destitution, stinginess. A man should use his money to improve and insulate your well-being as a potential life partner, whether it’s paying extra for valet parking or higher quality tires for your car.

Pairbonding Pattern 

These types often link up with women who have a similar poverty issue. This way he is not resisted or challenged to change.

To Women 

Be sure there is not a poverty root or fear of destitution in you. This will unconsciously pull you to men with those same issues—even if they have a lot of money. Settle your own financial emotions and mentalities. If possible, do so before pairbonding with anyone, since money is a top three issue for all couples everywhere.

Be hesitant to pairbond with any man that does not have a healthy, biblical prosperity outlook. Remember, you will be on the receiving end of whatever his financial outlook is. Where does he take you on dates? How does he spend money on himself? Is he generous or miserly?

To Men 

Attitudinal fear is a false god. If we have a poverty root we need to get raw with God and dig that rottenness out. Besides prayer and feeding on Scripture, probably the best way to change is by giving consistently. Generosity not only heals our hearts, it initiates the biblical prosperity process promised by God to His people (2Co 9:6-11).

(6) The Materialist – Opulent Guys

At the opposite extreme is the materialistic man. Usually wealthy, he tries to buy his way through life. His underdeveloped spiritual, emotional, and relational life cause him to overcompensate through possessions. He is that man who will miss a special event but send a fat check or extravagant gift instead.

Dominant Traits 

These types are known by their extravagant expenditures and gifts. Romantically, he will attempt to buy love or sex. His typical solution to relationship problems is to buy her something she likes.

Pairbonding Pattern 

These men gravitate to women who are materialistic themselves, women who will respond favorably to his opulence. However, he tends to shy away from women who want significant emotional depth or regular quality time.

To Women 

The lure of opulence is awesome. I have known women to bed and wed certain men exclusively for the benefits. They had no intention of loving him or staying faithful. And since he was emotionally and relationally shallow, she had large chunks of time to go and do what she really wanted without him ever knowing.

Be wary of a man who shows more of his wallet than his heart. Wealth is a great thing in the hands of a good and godly man. It is a root for all kinds of evil to those who are not. It is not at all wrong to desire a prosperous partner—just be sure his character is as robust as his account.

To Men 

Don’t be that man! Your finances are merely one aspect of who you are, and it is not even in the top three: your relationship with Jesus, your relationship with yourself, and your relationship with your inner circle. Continue to have an abundant and generous financial life. Simply be sure to have that same bounty spiritually, emotionally, and relationally first.

(7) The Supernice Guy – Docile Guys

After enough heartbreaks from Casanovas, headaches from man-children, and shallowness from materialists, many women finally try out the docile man. He is super nice, and most importantly to her, super safe. He will adore her incessantly, do whatever she wants, remain easy to predict, and most likely never break her heart.

Dominant Traits 

In the animal kingdom, the alpha male is the strongest and most virile male. He gets first pick in mating, feeding, and shelter, and in some species, he is the only one who mates. The beta and omega males are those who come in second (beta) or last (omega).

The same has proven true with humans. Supernice guys are known for their passivity and sexual reticence, and thus, are often second or last when it comes to females. In certain instances, though, a woman will seek out these types if she has been overly disappointed by other types of single men.

Pairbonding Pattern 

Beta and omega males often pair up with females the most desirable men brush aside (beta and omega females). As mentioned, on occasion they will link up with wounded alpha women who are “burned out” on the other types.

To Women 

You do not have to settle for either/or. They might be rare, but there are men who possess strong male qualities with the loyalty and safety of Mr. Rogers. Women who settle for either/or are destined for another disappointment, since one of their feminine instincts will go neglected—sexual chemistry or emotional security.

To Men 

Every Christian must have a kingly self-image (Rev 1:6 NKJV, Ro 5:17)—how much more so Christian men! The paradox of God’s kingdom is that every Christian is an alpha, appointed to redeem and rule some portion of the earth (Ps 37). Paul recognized these “spheres” (2Co 10:13). Supernice guys who strengthen and flesh out their full masculinity are some of the most balanced and desirable romantic prospects.

(8) The Mature – High – Value Guys

Finally, the mature single man is the highest value prospect. These are the guys who are both ready and capable for a fulfilling marriage-minded romance. They are emotionally individuated from Mother. They do not need the ego’s heroin of constant seductions. They are responsible. They are secure and virile sexually. They are financially independent and generous. They are kind and loyal.

Dominant Traits 

Two words that describe well a high-value Christian man is balance and abundance. Remember Boaz. Balance requires multiple seasons of spiritual and emotional maturation. Abundance (in every area) requires multiple seasons of wisdom, discipline, and diligence.

Pairbonding Pattern 

Men like this are cautious and selective in females they consider. They gravitate to women who are high-value themselves, or, are progressing diligently towards it. These types often remain single and unattached for extended periods of time, unwilling to settle for less than high quality sisters in Christ.

To Women 

Men like this are searching for someone on their level. So realize you will have to match or exceed his overall value to be in his thoughts and prayers. You will have to upgrade every area of your life that is romantically relevant. See 1Samuel 25, especially verse 3. Abigail won David because, Scripture says, she was attractive, clever, respectful, and spiritually advanced. Ruth won Boaz for the exact same reasons (see Ruth 2,3).

To Men 

High-value prospects are rare for both genders. The temptation, even for mature men, is to become discouraged and settle for second or third best. As relieving as this might be for the moment, it will prove dismally disillusioning when all that character and maturity kicks in. Continue having joyful friendships with women of all types, but protect your masculine sapphire only for a level-10 sister who deserves it.

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Does God Choose Who I Marry? by Junior De Souza

Being single is a time for critical personal growth and marriage-relevant preparation. Those who prepare are rewarded with romantic victories, while those who lazily chase fantasies will have their fill of poverty. May God find His singles to be a level-10 in every area.

Proverbs 21:31(YLT): A horse is prepared for a day of battle, and the deliverance is of  Jehovah!

Proverbs 28:19(NIV): Those who work their land will have abundant food, but those who chase fantasies will have their fill of poverty.

After salvation, probably the most important choice a person will make is who they marry. As Christians, this naturally prompts us to ask, Does God choose who I marry then?  As always, God’s omniscient Bible has the answers we need.

(NOTE: I will use the term pair bonding at times throughout this writing. I understand there is an evolutionary psychology use of the term, but I am NOT in any way using the term in that context. I am using the term in its generic and basic sense, simply to mean “the romantic process between two people”.)

Understanding Disagreements

Whenever there is significant disagreement and controversy around a particular biblical topic, here is what I have learned: the correct answer is usually in the middle OR the correct answer is elastic (different in different situations). If more Christians could understand this simple truth, unity would skyrocket.

This bit of wisdom is so important I’ll say it again: whenever there is significant disagreement around a biblical topic, the correct answer is usually in the middle OR the correct answer is different in different situations. This is why both sides of an issue often sound so convincing—both has elements of rightness.

Christian Pairbonding: God’s Will or My Will?

So it is with Christian pair bonding and marriage. Does God choose my mate, or, am I free to choose my own within biblical boundaries? The super-spiritual among us point to several scriptures in which God handpicked a person’s mate. The super-practical among us point to several scriptures in which God authorized the wise use of freewill in mate selection.

Add to this polar discussion the many sub models, and you’ll need a Tylenol: matchmaking angels, supervised courtship, godly dating, Christian speed dating, semi-arranged marriages, and on and on. Oh my. By the time you’ve read all these matchmaking statutes, you’ll be fasting for the gift of celibacy.

The Correct Answer: It Depends

Remember our simple truth: whenever there is significant disagreement around a biblical topic, the correct answer is usually in the middle OR the correct answer is elastic, different in different situations. So, does God choose who I marry, or, am I free to choose within Scripture’s boundaries? It depends on your calling.

I will show you from Scripture how God designed different romantic paths for different believers. For some, God handpicked their partner. For others, He authorized the wise use of their freewill to find their own. To the super spiritual…you are right—sometimes. To the super practical…you are also right—sometimes. Solomon, our Spirit-inspired intellectual genius, nails both sides in Proverbs 19:14 and 18:22.

Proverbs 19:14, When God Chooses

In Proverbs 19:14, Solomon says quite plainly: …a prudent wife is from the LORD.  He is telling us that, at times, God is the direct supplier of a mate.

Proverbs 18:22, When I Choose

In Proverbs 18:22, Solomon presents the counter possibility: He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favour from the LORD.

Notice carefully the word he uses: finds. Finding assumes searching, and searching assumes the exercise of intelligence and freewill.

Two Romantic Paths

Solomon is not contradicting himself, for he is writing the eternal Word of God by the Spirit’s breath. Rather, he is juxtaposing two legitimate possibilities, two romantic paths. Therefore, depending on a person’s calling, the Lord will either (1) choose their spouse Himself or (2) authorize them to find one themselves within biblical parameters. The Bible presents both paths.


Several scriptures show direct divine ordination in certain pair bonding instances. Indeed, these stories flutter our emotions with an enchanting blend of spirituality and romance. The super spiritual among us tend to notice and emphasize these scriptures. However, keep in mind; this is only one of two possible romantic paths.

Isaac & Rebekah

The first instance is from Genesis 24, the divine joining of Isaac and Rebekah. Scripture tells us an angel was sent ahead of Eliezer to orchestrate the meeting between himself and Rebekah (Gen 24:7, 40). Not only this, but Scripture specifically says Rebekah was “appointed for Isaac” (v14). Laban and Bethuel, the guardian men in Rebekah’s life, recognized this. In verses 50 and 51 they say, “This thing comes from the LORD…the LORD has spoken.”

Samson & His Philistine Wife

Judges 14 records the story of Samson and his Philistine wife (she is unnamed). Samson notices her on one of his trips to Timnah and his temperature rises. He wants to marry her. His parents resist the idea, wishing instead he would marry an Israelite.

Then, in a mind-bending statement, Scriptures says this (Jud 14:4 NKJV): But his father and mother did not know that it was of the LORD—that He was seeking an occasion to move against the Philistines.

The full meaning of this scripture is a discussion for another day. But what is relevant to our topic is the phrase, it was of the LORD. The LORD caused Samson and this Philistine woman to be at the right place, at the right time, so they would attract and marry. On the surface it seemed rebellious of Samson, but Scripture emphasizes to us it was of the LORD.

Boaz & Ruth

The Boaz-Ruth romance is the most well-known and most idealized of all biblical love stories. The book of Ruth never directly mentions the divine ordination of their marriage, but it is quite obvious in light of the multiple providential events that led to it (Ru 1:22, 2:1-5,20, 4:1-12). The Lord rewarded Ruth’s sacrificial faithfulness with a handpicked man of great maturity and wealth. And He rewarded Boaz’s endless integrity with a handpicked beauty of unusual character.

Xerxes & Esther

This love story is also filled with providential events: Esther noticed and brought into Xerxes’ harem, her successful night with him, Mordecai’s role, and so on. It is a charming story, and obvious God handpicked Esther for Xerxes to rescue the Jews. Mordecai even suggests Esther was born for him. Esther 4:14: … And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?

Joseph & Mary

We see the Lord’s direct ordination in Joseph and Mary’s union. Isaiah 7:14 says (NKJV), “Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a Son.” Notice carefully the wording: not a virgin, but the virgin. The virgin was preselected; her name was Mary.

Similarly, the Lord selected a specific man to be her husband—Joseph. This man would have to endure extremely unusual events, some of which had never happened before and would never happen again: a virgin pregnancy, a flight to Egypt while his countrymen’s sons were being systematically massacred, a son who claimed to be God, and so on. As we can observe from the gospels, this man was indeed preappointed and groomed for these epochal events.

Proverbs 19:14

In this final scripture already mentioned, Solomon says, “A prudent wife is from the LORD” (Pr 19:14). He is telling us that, at times, God is the direct supplier of a person’s mate.

We can easily see from these scriptures how God, at times, directly ordains the pair bonding and marriage of two individuals. This is only one possibility, though. There is another path in Scripture.


Numerous scriptures also show God authorizing individuals to use their freewill in mate selection. In these instances, He did not handpick their mate, but instead gave them certain principles or guidelines within which to make their own selection. Within those parameters, they were free to choose whomever they desired.

Numbers 36:6, Zelophehad’s Daughters

In the issue concerning Zelophehad’s daughters and inheritance land (you can read the story on your own), God gave them freedom to marry whomever they wanted. The only parameter was their selection had to be within their father’s tribal clan. The exact scripture is Numbers 36:6; notice the underlined portion: This is what the LORD commands for Zelophehad’s daughters: They may marry anyone they please as long as they marry within their father’s tribal clan.

Deuteronomy 21:10-13, The Warring Men of Israel

In Deuteronomy 21:10-13, God allowed the warring men of Israel to take wives from the peoples they conquered. He gave them a few parameters, however. The women were to shave their heads and trim their nails (v12), given entirely new clothes (v13), and allowed to mourn for a full month (v13). Other than this, they were allowed to take as wives whomever they desired (v11).

Of course, the cultural and sociological context is drastically different today, but the core principle is timeless. Pending certain guidelines, God allowed these men the freedom to choose a wife as they desired.

Proverbs 18:22, Searching & Finding a Mate

In Proverbs 18:22, Solomon says this (underline added): He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favour from the LORD.

Notice carefully the key word he uses: finds. Finding assumes searching, and searching assumes the application of intelligence and freewill. Solomon even promises God’s favour to the one who successfully does so.

Jeremiah 29:6, The Jewish Exiles

The prophet Jeremiah prophesied a command resembling Proverbs 18:22. In Jeremiah 29:6, he commands Israel to “marry and find wives” (NIV, emphasis mine). In this prophetic command the Lord did not say, “I have a mate preselected for each of you in Babylon.” Rather, He commissioned them to find spouses for themselves.

This is an interesting scripture. God not only allowed their free choice in mate selection, He commanded it through a direct prophetic utterance. It seems they needed clear encouragement and motivation to search and find, attract and marry.

Hosea & Gomer

In Hosea 1:2 (NKJV), God tells Hosea: …Go, take to yourself a wife of harlotry…

Notice carefully the wording. Hosea was commanded to marry a prostitute; God did not specify which one and He never specified Gomer. He simply told him to marry prostitute.

Also, we are not told about Hosea’s selection process. We are not told how long the selection process took. We are not told if it was easy or hard. It could have been easy—many prostitutes desire a virtuous man to come along and “help” them leave their lifestyle. It could have been hard—just as a holy prophet would not want to marry an immoral prostitute, so also most immoral prostitutes would not want to marry a holy prophet. The Bible only tells us Hosea ended up selecting Gomer.

Hosea’s sovereign election of Gomer among all the harlots symbolizes Yahweh’s sovereign election of Israel among all the nations (Deu 10:15). Just as Gomer’s redemption was an independent act of Hosea’s affection, so also Israel’s redemption was an independent act of God’s affection. God and Hosea both made independent, freewill choices.

1 Corinthians 7:39, Christian Pairbonding & Marriage

In his first letter to the Corinthian church, Paul also presents the freewill option in choosing a mate. He says in 1Corinthians 7:39: … she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.

Notice carefully the wording: anyone she wishes. The only parameter is that the mate belongs to the Lord—is born-again and living under His ownership.

In verse 36, Paul makes a parallel statement (NIV, underline added): If anyone is worried that he might not be acting honourably toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if his passions are too strong and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married.

Notice the underlined portion: he should do as he wants.

In all of 1Corinthians 7, Paul never once says or implies, “Make sure it is God’s preordained, handpicked mate”, or even, “Make sure it is God’s will.” He is not at all negating that option; he is simply emphasizing the freewill option to the Corinthians.

Why You Must Discover Your Romantic Calling & Path

This entire subject boils down to, “What is my romantic calling? What is the personal path God has pretrodden for me?”

I urge you to discover this, for; many love story playwrights will earnestly give you their script to follow. Find and follow God’s script for you.

Ponder, for a moment, both paths. You might be “waiting on God” in the nursing home if He has already authorized you to search and find a mate for yourself. Or conversely, you might be searching feverishly and frustratingly when you should be praying, relaxing, and preparing for the one He already selected for you. Discover your call!

Discovery Steps

Discovering your romantic path is no different than discovering any other divine purpose for your life. Therefore, some of these steps might sound routine or common sense, but nonetheless, if faithfully applied, will result in crucial illumination in the area of romance.

Fast and Ask Specifically

God commands you to know His path for you (Eph 5:17). Therefore, we can fast and ask specifically and expect God to answer sooner or later (Mt 7:7-11).

Obey What You Currently Know

Before God tells us what we really want to know, He often tests us to see if we obey what we already know. If we cannot obey what He has already shown us about other areas, we will not be entrusted with new information and guidance (Lk 16:10, Mk 4:23-25). On the other hand, God is astonishingly liberal to those who obey Him meticulously and continuously (Jn 15:7, 1Jn 3:22).

Analyze Each Path

Each romantic path has its privileges and challenges. When God chooses our mate, the privilege is we can relax and focus on personal growth and preparation. The challenge is, it will happen in His time, in His way. Isaac was forty when his appointed time came (Gen 25:20); the virgin Mary is believed to be sixteen, or even fourteen by some.

When God lets us choose, the privilege is we possess power over timing and means (remember Paul’s words in 1Corinthians 7:36,39). The challenge is having the wisdom and patience to choose excellently and not destructively. This does not at all mean God will not assist with wisdom and relevant resources (Pr 2:6, Jas 1:5); it simply means He is letting the person make the final choice.

Which set of privileges and challenges beats deep within, kindles faith and vision, and makes your spirit perk up?

If we fast and ask specifically, are faithful to what we already know spiritually, and analyze each particular romantic path, sooner or later, it will become abundantly clear what has been divinely willed for our life. And it will be good, pleasing, and perfect (Ro 12:2).